Today in Ladles:
This is my favorite style of ladle. It's a quaint, homely design with enough flowery decorations to be used at a tea party with Monsieur Ted E. Bear. Also does surprisingly well at Thai restaurants.
Based on the infallible advice of certain trusted internet sources, I decided to challenge the infamous Lord Pierogi Dumplington of Danzig to a duel. With my reputation as an esteemed warrior on the line, I put on my FDA approved gauntlets and went to work. But first, I would need to find out where this Lord Pierogi was located. Luckily, the Arch Wizards of Google were able to scry out one of his estates. Unluckily, it was written in an arcane language that only an arch wizard could understand: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/pierogi-i/Detail.aspx. Seriously, those wizards need to get a life.
Another visit to Google later and the instructions to Lord Pierogi were in my hands in good Olde English. However, this knight seemed a bit more than I could stomache, so I immediately cut him down to a quarter of his original size. Now that we were evenly matched, the fun could begin. First I skinned Pierogi's loyal ally, Mr. Potatohead, with my +1 peelers. It was an agonizing attack which my worthy opponent was only able to evade on two occasions, once by using an instant mold bloom, and the other time by a deft use of Aganazzar's Overripening. Undaunted at these few setbacks, I sliced him into pieces and tossed him in a boiling cauldron. With Potatohead out of the way for the time being, I advanced on Pierogi's other squire.
I grabbed the vile lord by the neck and proceeded to batter him relentlessly with my amazing wholesome flower power. I was so cruel and barabaric that I even poured salt in his wounds. But Lord Pierogi did not gain his infamous reputation for being a wimp like his squires. It turns out that his aura is so evil that it is able to nullify my wholesome flower power attack. I had to scrap my current strategy, but I still had other tricks up my sleeve.
This time, I battered the dark lord with pure bleached 100% white flower power. As racism is itself a most dire evil, it was not nullified by his evil aura. But it was also not very effective, as evil creatures have a natural 50% resistance to evil attacks. Still, the potentcy of my relentless battering was unaffected. Within minutes Lord Pierogi was reduced to a pile of goop. But he was not dead yet.
The cunning sorceror had cast a devilish spell which made him stick like super glue to any soul he came in contact with. I, not yet knowing this, reached down to strangle him once and for all. I filled with dread as the half-dead sorceror's remains leeched off my soul. And then, for reasons I cannot even pretend to explain, I rolled the corpse out into a flat pancake and pierced it several times with a perfect circular blade of 3.5 inches diameter. The circular remains screeched in pain, but their link to my soul had not been severed. What was I to do?
And then I remembered my training, all those years ago, from my defense against the dark snacks class. A soul leech will attach itself to whatever soul last touches it. And I had a bowl full of the fresh corpses of Mr. Potatohead and Sir Cheesalot sitting right there. I grabbed a spoon and lopped copious amounts of corpse onto the circular cut outs of the dread lord Pierogi. His vampiric magicks quickly reacted, curling up to engulf the new prey like a venus flytrap. The pain in my soul immediately went away.
But for good measure, I boiled the remnants of my opponent until the remains floated to the top of the bubbling cauldron. And then I ate it, but it tasted downright awful. It must have been that Pierogi's evil aura tainted the taste of his meat, as Sir Cheesalot and Mr. Potatohead proved to be absolutely delicious.
